Nwold

The past few months have been strange. Pain is a constant and quite recently my mortality has been a looming asteroid. And I'm scared. But resolute. No more doctors. No more pills. Whatever follows I have accepted. Google hasn't been helpful, suddenly every symptoms screams DEATH!

Life is beautiful and I'm prepared to live long. Or...At least enjoy living. A random nosebleed. Just when the strange pains got bearable then a spanner had to be thrown into the mix. It's not the nosebleed, it's the things I've been trying to ignore that seem to think a nosebleed is how to get my attention. I officially give up. No more doctors too, that seems to be an expensive past time.

https://youtu.be/sAtFr0pPPbE

https://youtu.be/ss5PrHES6oM

The last few weeks have been relatively awesome. The recovery period has had it's ups and downs, some of the downs I thought would fade away but they haven't. It's not about "why me?" anymore, I know there's people living with far worse pain. Now I'm just determined to not let the pain get me down!!!!! Angeke!!

I feel so inadequate. Genuinely. I want him to want only me but that isn't the reality. That scares me because I want only him. What to do? I know I don't completely trust him anymore but...I love him. Unquestionably.

Best news ever...its only endometriosis!!! I've never been so happy to have something!!!!!!

Something always hurts. I always feel nauseous. The actual incisions are healing up though, silver lining. I feel off balance and dizzy half the time. I know life owes me nothing,but gdamn!! I know there are people in far worse condition but gdamn! The pills make me sick I need pills to stop the pain,I can't take them I must breathe through it gdam!! If I could find the cause and if it's me then I would happily endure,but for the life of me...this bad?

Yeah...still had the pain killer drip in my system for a couple of days...that's gone. Now pain. Randomly. But its OK. Coz I'm alive!!! And there's still loads of Marvel and DC movies to watch. Just wish I go outside and be OK, I want to get back to work.

2 days after surgery, my first nosebleed ever. Very strange

Tommorow is Dday . I am going in for surgery. Very scared.

Certainly. Surely. This too shall pass. That's the silver lining I wake up for.

Its falling again. No facial hair, well none that stands out. But my hair falls off my scalp. Weird.

Three symptoms in one and this doctor can't confirm which it is; is it cancer, is it just pcos is it endometriosis or maybe even both? What is medical aid for if its taken more than 6 years to diagnose? The scariest part is not knowing. Not knowing and living with the silliest pain.

Feels like I've been sick for too long Tired for too long In pain for too long. Like I'm crazy for being worried. Like the fact that I've been misdiagnosed and had things go wrong coz things were caught too late, is bullshit. Like I'm paranoid for asking the doctor a billion questions. I just want to understand. I'm not afraid of leaving, I'm afraid for the one I may leave behind. If the tables were turned I wouldn't be strong about it. I wouldn't be able to go on. I would feel angry about it. I wouldn't be able to move on. I feel like there's still years of pain to come and that's OK. I feel he shouldn't see that, he should move on. That's just how I feel.

Suddenly there is a bucket list. Dramatics perhaps? Better safe than sorry

I had an adventrous day. Cant say i didnt have fun. So many weird and frustrating things all in one day,  wonderful.  I especially enjoyed the part where i got home safe and sound. Ive finished the course,  my body reacts by getting sick and randomly bleeding.

At 8 I understood that i was getting bigger than other kids. Too big. At 12 Lonliest magical creature,  I found refuge in my imagination. Pages upon pages of distraction. At 15 Angriest little ingrate. Went to extremes to lose weight, and it worked.  Self-value was shaky. At 19 Lost. Trapped in a deep dark whole for a good few years At 23 He found me, or we found eachother. It made it bearable. Weight has ruled my life and i understand that it will continue to, I just hsve to remember to be the Ringmaster of the circus, not the poor loping elephant.

I eat less fastfood less often than my skinny colleagues and they have the apples to tell me i need to eat less.  Eat less?  Im eating as i normally would with this swollen abdomen and someone sees fit to tell me to "stop eating". Granted, I've gained a few, not from eating more. I dont like waking up in the middle of the night with strange tender lumps in my midsection. Its not my favorite, but I'm waking up, thats good. I cant stand feeling every second of my food being digested, sometimes hearing it. But we feel it, this is also good. Reminding myself, there's lots to be thankful and happy about. I will swell with happens, this is the plan.

Another thing I have noticed is that I easily get the sniffles, now I'm not sure if this is because I still have a piece of tooth still pressing on my nasal nerve thingie...but yeah ...getting easier to get sick these days. I'm not sure how to go about documenting these things, I'm just jumping in whenever something comes up.It will have to do.

Documenting all of this will help someone out there in the long run, I just wish I could be more positive,I wish I could have the urge to write here when a day goes by without serious anythings....ahhh I love those days. Those days are nice.

Actual side effects seem to be thw inside of my mouth pealing and my intestines swelling,  as well as my actual stomach just under my left rib cage swelling.  Im told this is normal.  Ok

We've met Are we not old aquaintences? We've met before Lets not waste time on formality. In another time,  in the same place Here we find ourselves again Old friend, pain again? Can you not harold joy? We've loved eachother From the first moment, and onwards until the last. Little star You always vanish and the darkness seeps in. Little star You give such hope, then fly on to the next solar system. Little star You warm my heart, ignite what warmth i have reserved. You are mine forever Time or space will not change that

Meds I know you're here to help but This sick is overflowing No matter how many pills Pills i consume I cant escape this forboding This insistent feeling "Im doomed" This cry-baby self-pity This self-loathing The silly notion that they pop within me That they squeezed the life out of them That they pop Pop Popping pills Too many pills. I obsess over their intentions I obsess over the minute details of their effects. I swear i didnt mean to think it It just popped into- Like one pops a pimple- Like one jumps into a pool of green stool-fresh water- Right into my dome. It can stop. We could sleep. One more pill. Then No more pills.

In high school I learned all about the explorers who braved "wild Africa" , how they "discovered" lands and peoples. How outposts were built and used as resting stops. I feel The West is still treating Africa like a pit stop. So then we start having that mentality, and that's not right. I'm guilty of making my time alive a pit stop, de-valuing myself. I'm gonna get where I want to go, and I'm going to do it in my own skin and on our African soil.

pent my morning getting an ultrasound check done. Confirmed what I already knew, so there is no real reason for me to be surprised, its just that now I have new worries and nightmares. I was sitting next to the most annoying little three year old girl, reminded me of my niece. She made my day.

I have had the privilege of performing with the most talented group of people, they are simply inspiring. I hope we all reach great heights in whichever paths we choose to take, whether its together or as individuals. We were recently asked where we can be reached for bookings, BOOKINGS? Its safe to say we do not hear that very often, so we set about creating a Facebook page and our resident jack of all trades Dumisani Radebe is working on our website. Our group members are Chris Monotoe, Dumisani Radebe,Keabetswe Frank Modise, Tshiamo Bonolo Rancho, Sandile Xaba and myself ( there is an eighth member who is welcome back when and if she wants ). The journey from our companies internal idolesque talent competition to now has been wondrous, lessons have been learned and eyes open. From the safety of my blog the experience will be documented as events unfold. Hope you enjoy.

The thought of someone offering you what I can't give frightens me. The fact that you pretend not to see this situation for what it is baffles me. In happier times the only thing that comes to mind when I think of you is "I could do that for the next 5 decades". Whatever happens,no matter how angry we are just know that , tonight and always I want to wake up next to you.

I wake up feeling sick, and not the throwing up kind usually, just sore. I feel pain jabs randomly, and it makes me want to cry out. I feel like I'm over reacting but the pain, its so specific. I need to be certain of what's going on, my mind is racing with the possibilities.