Nwold

Its falling again. No facial hair, well none that stands out. But my hair falls off my scalp. Weird.

Three symptoms in one and this doctor can't confirm which it is; is it cancer, is it just pcos is it endometriosis or maybe even both? What is medical aid for if its taken more than 6 years to diagnose? The scariest part is not knowing. Not knowing and living with the silliest pain.

Feels like I've been sick for too long Tired for too long In pain for too long. Like I'm crazy for being worried. Like the fact that I've been misdiagnosed and had things go wrong coz things were caught too late, is bullshit. Like I'm paranoid for asking the doctor a billion questions. I just want to understand. I'm not afraid of leaving, I'm afraid for the one I may leave behind. If the tables were turned I wouldn't be strong about it. I wouldn't be able to go on. I would feel angry about it. I wouldn't be able to move on. I feel like there's still years of pain to come and that's OK. I feel he shouldn't see that, he should move on. That's just how I feel.

Suddenly there is a bucket list. Dramatics perhaps? Better safe than sorry

I had an adventrous day. Cant say i didnt have fun. So many weird and frustrating things all in one day,  wonderful.  I especially enjoyed the part where i got home safe and sound. Ive finished the course,  my body reacts by getting sick and randomly bleeding.

At 8 I understood that i was getting bigger than other kids. Too big. At 12 Lonliest magical creature,  I found refuge in my imagination. Pages upon pages of distraction. At 15 Angriest little ingrate. Went to extremes to lose weight, and it worked.  Self-value was shaky. At 19 Lost. Trapped in a deep dark whole for a good few years At 23 He found me, or we found eachother. It made it bearable. Weight has ruled my life and i understand that it will continue to, I just hsve to remember to be the Ringmaster of the circus, not the poor loping elephant.

I eat less fastfood less often than my skinny colleagues and they have the apples to tell me i need to eat less.  Eat less?  Im eating as i normally would with this swollen abdomen and someone sees fit to tell me to "stop eating". Granted, I've gained a few, not from eating more. I dont like waking up in the middle of the night with strange tender lumps in my midsection. Its not my favorite, but I'm waking up, thats good. I cant stand feeling every second of my food being digested, sometimes hearing it. But we feel it, this is also good. Reminding myself, there's lots to be thankful and happy about. I will swell with happens, this is the plan.